POLITICS

S.B.S.A.F.

Published by Rev Neil Pudding on July 26th, 2010 in POLITICS, SEX


Stop being such a fag!


Sounds easy, doesn't it? And yet today, there are literally dozens of gay and lesbianese people in North America (and probably even more in Europe).


Why? If they're able to quit, why won't they? They like the attention? They hate their parents? WHY?!


To find out the answers, I visited the office of Dr. Trevor Allman, in downtown Calgary, Canada. Dr. Allman is Founder and President of "Stop Being Such A Fag!", an organisation best known for their work counselling and curing homosexuals.


 


Pudding: Dr. Allman, thanks for giving me this time to talk with you.


Allman: Not at all. I'm ALWAYS happy to discuss the unnatural and sinful act of homosexuality.


Pudding: Great. I wanna start by asking why -


Allman: I have some photos here. I'd like to show them to you. They're very graphic, and incredibly disturbing, but I think it's important for us to see just what it is we're talking about. But be prepared, Reverend. This is truly horrific material.


Pudding: Okay. First, can you tell me if -


Allman: Just - no. Please. I really think we should view the photographs first. Trust me. I'm a doctor. Things will go better if we just get this stuff out of the way, so we can get down to the questions portion of the interview.


Pudding: Alright, sure. Pass 'em over.


Allman: No, no. I'll hold the album and turn the pages. You come over here and sit next to me. We'll view them together.


Pudding: Yeah, okay. *joining Dr. Allman on the loveseat* So, what do we have here...? Oh, sweet Jesus!


Allman: Please! Calm down, Reverend. We've got seventeen volumes of this filth to get through. Steel yourself.


Pudding: No, I'm really - I'm not into this. Can we just - ?


Allman: What's wrong with you? Aren't you a priest...?


Pudding: A former priest. And it was a cult, not Catholicism. *hurriedly rising from the loveseat* So, how many homosexuals have you cured?


Allman: Well, Reverend. It's not about "how many" are helped through my work. My team and I are currently more interested in research. Only when this abberation has been thoroughly studied and discussed, will we have a chance of yanking the problem out by its unholy roots.


Pudding: And how has that been going?


Allman: Even better than we'd hoped. Our database now includes nearly eight hundred thousand seperate photos and videos - both clips and full features. Also, we've compiled a massive encyclopedia of filthy letters, shockingly explicit poems, and sex-crammed short stories, by and about gay men and lesbian women.


Pudding: So then... you're basically just collecting gay porn...?


Allman: Mostly. But we also discuss specifics of the illness with each other. Just as I am now, with you. For example, are you familiar with the term "Rusty Trombone"? It's a particularly dreadful gay sex act. I'd like to describe it to you now. *miming* A man kneels, and positions his face near the anus of his lover, then reaches -


Pudding: Uhh, Dr. Allman. Thanks for your time. I'm sorry to cut the interview short, but... I really don't feel safe any more.



Dr. Trevor Allman, Describing Something Sinful


Not being a medical man myself, I had some trouble understanding his methods, but it's clear Dr. Allman is very, very passionate about his mission. As I left his office, I looked over my shoulder to see that he was once again poring over his extensive files, grunting in rhythmic concentration.

The Midas Touchy

Published by Rev Neil Pudding on June 10th, 2010 in POLITICS


 


 


So, the liberals are picking on Glenn Beck again. This time, it’s some crap about him promoting a supposedly “unethical” company.


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Goldline advertises on Glenn’s television program, and Glenn has mentioned to viewers that investing in gold might be a good idea.


 


“Big deal”, you might think.


 


Well, Olbermann and fellow Dem stooges are complaining that because Goldline is a company that endeavors to make money, Glenn is somehow a bad man for bringing them some business through advertising…


 


As a capitalist, I have trouble seeing Glenn as ‘at fault’ here. In my opinion, Glenn should not be held responsible for anything, ever.


 


Meanwhile, I have problems of my own here on FreedomHaters.org. Due to supposed "low readership/high complaints", my colleagues are suddenly insisting that I begin “earning my keep”. I now have to pay $16 for every article of mine they publish, AND I’m supposed to bring extra revenue via sponsorship.


 


That’s why you see that big, beautiful, bird on your screen. A small, family-run turkey farm has agreed to help bring my readers the information they need, and I appreciate that.


 


Barry’s Turkey Farm has had some troubles in the past, which only increases my desire to bond with them in a mutually-beneficial relationship. The Christian value of forgiveness is one that’s never far from my heart.


 



BARRY’S TURKEY FARM: "Mmm, It’s Legal Again!"


 


Speaking of Christian values, with the space I have left, I'd like to discuss the liberal attitude towards religion and religious festivals. Most of us have come across the anti-Christmas fascists out there, and we’ve heard their whining about having to “spend tax money on expensive, lighted nativity scenes while our poorest citizens sleep under bridges”. Jesus was poor and homeless too, but he didn't complain about it.


 


Well, my friends, I have come up with a rather creative way to fight back! Let’s leave our lights and decorations up ALL YEAR! Then they’ll see how ridiculous it was for them to complain about one single day in December.


 


Let’s do it. I’m serious! Let’s keep the mistletoe up year-round, and eat a big, traditional Christmas meal at least once a week, every week.


 


Merry Christmas, everyone!


 


(c) Barry's Fowl Meat and By-products, 2010

Earth Day and Lenin’s Birthday: Coincidence or Something More?

Published by Harmon on April 22nd, 2010 in POLITICS

 April 22nd is Earth Day. It’s also Lenin’sbirthday. Conspiracy theory nuts pop a major woody over this coincidence. Just a mere two days after hearing people pull parallels between 4/20 and Hitler’s birthday, we know have to listen to the right-wing conservatives connect the dots between the day designated to inspire awareness and appreciation for the Earth’s environment, alongside the birthday of the man who developed the pragmatic Russian application of Marxism.

While attending the big Tea Party Patriot jamboree last week at the Alameda County Fairground, Brian Sussman–an astute speaker from the conservative “Hot Talk” radio station KSFO, informed the patriotic crowd that the Earth Day/Lenin’s birthday connection was no mere coincidence.

“Earth Day was created by a bunch of communists from Stanford.” Sussman informed the red, white, and blue-clad gathering. “It’s not about clean air; it’s about power and what’s going on to make money!” he summarized about Earth Day’s origins and liberals’ plight to save the planet.

Conservatives are actually pissed off at the entire notion of celebrating Earth Day. They say that Earth Day is merely a Trojan horse in order to make Americans celebrate Lenin’s birthday. We call these conservatives “the insane”. I’ve never heard of this conspiracy theory before Obama was elected. And now that his presidency and health care reform are supposedly tearing at the very fabric of the American way of life, it’s now become a popular conservative bandwagon for Tea Party Patriots to jump on in between their discussions on whether or not our president was born in America.

Read with me from the Wisconsin Law Journal:

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It’s appropriate that the two are celebrated on the same day, because there is no relevant difference between the socialist and environmentalist agendas in this country. Saving the environment is simply a euphemism for eviscerating the rights of property owners and creating a dictatorship.

Deemed as a new holy day for the Marxist faith, Earth Day has been referred to as a political holiday for those pseudo-environmentalists known asWatermelons: green on the outside but red on the inside:

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For many political Leftists, environmentalism is merely a pretext through which private property and capitalism can be regulated, strangled, and finally replaced with totalitarian government ownership of everything. How could they criticize Marxist dictatorships, since their prescription for “healing the world” is socialist dictatorship?

Man, these conservatives have way too much free time on their hands. If they could only throw Bigfoot, Tupac’s murder, and the New World Order into this conspiracy theory, they would have one hell of a huge following.

Handed To Me At The Tea Party Patriot Rally: The Flag I Love

Published by Harmon on April 18th, 2010 in POLITICS

As you might have guessed, last Thursday I attended the big Tea Party Patriot blowout rally at the Alameda County Fairground. What a jamboree of flying conspiracy theories on how Obama is destroying the very fabric of American life. (Did you know that it's not unintentional that Lenin's birthday and Earth Day fall on the same day?) While there, a smiley grey-haired woman handed me a pamphlet entitled: The Flag I Love. I stuffed it in my pocket and didn't read it until I got home. As it turned out, reading The Flag I Love was like Christmas come early. It kind of summed up some Tea Party Patriots fear of having a black president that they label as a possible Muslim born outside of America who is delivering a communist wave of fear to their red, white, and blue. Read with me a few excerpts: While the flag has long been a symbol of a free people, there is a deeper lesson to be learned from it's wonderful blend of colors. White is the color of purity. White is the color of the spotless throne of God. And there is but one truly white man, morally and spiritually, that ever trod in the sin-stained earth--the man Christ Jesus. Red we recognize as the color of blood--the color of blood drops of Christ which one day dripped on Calvary's Hill for the sin of the world. Blue is the color of the heavens. Yes, the blue speaks to us of the heavens to which one day we may go. Remember, then, when you see Old Glory waving in the breezes of peace or in the winds of war that there is a lesson in it's stirring blend of colors. WHITE--the purity of Jesus Christ. RED--the blood of Jesus Christ shed for your sins. BLUE--the Heavenly hope which all who trust Christ as Saviour have. Now I can clearly see why Obama is a threat to the Tea Party and the American way of life.

Read more at True/Slant.

Tea Partiers take San Francisco

Published by Harmon on April 17th, 2010 in POLITICS

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San Francisco you let me down.

Yesterday was the big, fancy National Tea Party Day. As part of their protest against Obama, health care reform, tax day, and the onslaught of socialism that's virtually pissing in the face of the ghost of Ronald Reagan, the Tea Party Patriots took to Union Square to voice their displeasure of all things unpatriotic.

 

That's right, the Tea Baggers were on our turf, telling the people of San Francisco (or "San Fransicko" as they referred to it) how we're the symbol of everything wrong in this country.

 


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The protest looked not unlike an American flag that threw up all over Union Square and showered red, white, and blue all over a bunch of old people. The festivities had all the elements we've grown to love about Tea Baggers: accusations that Obama is a racist dictator, misspelled signs, speakers from Russia making astute comparisons to their homeland, quotes from General Patton, and shouts of U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A.!


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The one thing that really baffled me were claims that the Obama administration is "Big Brother" and we're living in a scenario right out of George Orwell's 1984. Huh? Claiming that the government is "Big Brother" has always been a liberal thing--that's a staple in our bag of tricks. How dare the right wing take away our beloved government/Big Brother comparison!

 


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What really let me down was the fact that all these shenanigans took place in our own backyard. San Francisco has a rich history of funny counter-protesters. Yet, there was barely a funny counter-protester to be found. We needed representation to point out the pure absurdities of this surreal scenario?

The Tea Baggers even used the opportunity to squash any attempt at "funny" with their counter-counter-protest signs:

 


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Why is it when it's a war protest amongst like-minded people we'll turn out in droves, but when it comes to actual confrontation on the home front we steer clear?

Next time the Tea Baggers' dog-and-pony show comes to town with their we really need to break out those Obama=Charlie Chaplin signs!

 


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See more of my protest photos at Asylum.

FPN: The Failed Politician Network

Published by Rev Neil Pudding on April 10th, 2010 in POLITICS


Well, the libs have gone and done it again. They've killed free speech, this time, by successfully petitioning Discovery Networks to prevent Sarah Palin's program from airing on TLC.<?xml:namespace prefix = o />


But conservatives are fighting back, my friends. Early June, 2010, will see the world premiere of FPN: The Failed Politician Network!


On every program thus-far slated for production, the politician in question will have failed NOT due to incompetence nor, say, due to resigning before completing a full term in office. The star of each program will have "failed" because of bad publicity - specifically the left-wing media.


So far, three shows have been scheduled, with several more in the works.


On Tuesday nights at nine will be "Dear John Letters", which will showcase John McCain reading personal letters to troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.


"I love you very much, Michael, and I miss you dearly. The thought of having you back home, holding me in your arms... Well, by golly, it's all that keeps me sane. Love always, your Alabamian flower-in-waiting, Rosie. P.S: I found out that weird purple rash on my twat is nothing serious."


 


John Showing off his Ability to Comfort Two Military Wives Simultaneously


And watch for "Saturday Norm Live", Saturdays at eight-thirty. It's former Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman's HILARIOUS sketch comedy show! Here's an excerpt from the pilot:


Coleman (with small paper cone on head): Meep meep. I'm an alien living here on Earth.


Special Guest Star Glenn Beck (weeping unconsolably): You look, *sniff* you look like one of those pointy-headed liberals (dry heaves from excessive crying).


Coleman (staring out at the crowd): That was the joke...


Beck (still blubbering): I'm very, very frightened and sad. Can I please have a tissue...?


Audience Laughter




Norm Displays His Penchant for Jewish Humour by Smiling Next to a Rabbi


And finally, presenting the superstar of FPN: It's the Sarah Palin Show!


Palin: Well gosh. Thanks for coming on the show, Mr. Pernick. Now, it says here you're a carpenter...


Pernick: That's right, Mrs. Palin. And I've been one ever since my daddy taught me to use a hammer!


Audience Applause


Palin: Gee, that's neat. Now tell me, what does a carpenter do exactly?


Pernick: I - well, I work with wood...


Palin: Oh! *winks* So you're kind of like a lumberjack, then.


Pernick: No.


Palin: Thanks so much for being with us here today! Tomorrow night we'll welcome Janet, a reader of "Time", to explain what magazines are! Won't that be super? G'night! *winks* "



"Lippy" - the Official Mascot of "It's the Sarah Palin Show"


 

Is McCain on crack?: He denies ever being a maverick

Published by Harmon on April 5th, 2010 in POLITICS

 Wasn’t that the whole catalyst that propelled the McCain/Palin 2008 campaign? Yes,  John McCain–the maverick is no more. In fact, the former presidential candidate even denies ever taking on the moniker: I never considered myself a maverick,” he told Newsweek. Is the man out of his mind? That (being a maverick) andJoe the Plumber were the basis of his entire presidential campaign strategy.

Is this some sort of political ploy to cleanse his palate of the entire entity that which is Sarah Palin? Is McCain trying to reinvent himself in the same manner as Madonna right before she launched her Vogue tour?  McCain, saying he never considered himself a “maverick” is as ridiculous as when Bill Clintonsaid after the Monica Lewinsky debacle, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Why would McCain make such an insane maverick denial when there’s videos like these still floating around:

Maybe this a marketing plot between McCain and Palin for another team campaign bid in 2012? What do you expect with two mavericks?

 

Sarah Palin: Gun Imagery, Tea Party Fanatics, and Hunting Wolves From Helicoptors

Published by Harmon on March 30th, 2010 in POLITICS

 I think it’s great that Sarah Palin used gun imagery when trying to rally irate, Tea Party fanatics on her Facebook page:

“Every possession is a battle; you’ll only win the war if you’ve picked your battles wisely. No matter how tough it gets, never retreat, instead RELOAD!”

I get it Sarah: reload like you would with a gun you’d use to hunt a wolf from a helicopter. Example: if you’re hunting a wolf from a helicopter and you shoot and miss–don’t retreat. Instead, reload that gun and blow that wolf’s head clean off! Ka-pow!  Reload!

Liberals are offended that little Sarah from Wasilla used gun metaphors after anger/violence ignited over the signing of the  health care bill.

Sarah quipped: “The crossfire is intense, so penetrate through enemy territory by bombing through the press, and use your strong weapons — your Big Guns — to drive to the hole. Shoot with accuracy; aim high and remember it takes blood, sweat and tears to win.”

I’m all one for free speech, but maybe Sarah should tone down her Facebook messages and have them reflect the realistic events going on such as a brick flung through the window of a county Democratic Party office in Rochester, N.Y.

Maybe her Facebook page could read:

“Every possession is a battle; you’ll only win the war if you’ve picked your battles wisely. No matter how tough it gets, never retreat, instead THROW A BRICK THROUGH THE WINDOW OF YOUR ENEMIES!”


Annie's Wisdom Wasted on Cranky Canadians

Published by Rev Neil Pudding on March 26th, 2010 in POLITICS


 


I am ashamed of my country.


As a Canadian conservative, I was absoluted delighted to learn about TV's Ann Coulter touring our land.


But I did have my concerns. What if some idiot Canadian anchorman tried to grill her about our soldiers' heroic battles in the jungles of Viet Nam? When Ann brought the subject up on a CBC program a few years ago, she was made to look foolish, just because Canada didn't really send any combatants to Viet Nam. What's the big difference? The man was splitting hairs, when he should have been promoting Ann's book.


Yes, Ann has said that "Canada's lucky we don't roll over and crush them", and "They're lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent", but how is that untrue? Canada (and Mexico, for that matter) IS lucky to be so close to the United States of America. For one thing, they have some of the most exciting news stories in the WORLD - from school shootings and endless anti-government protests, to exhilarating wars and suspense-filled domestic terrorism - something's ALWAYS happening. Canada, by contrast, is cold and boring.


The feminazis in Canada are down on Ann because she has spoken out against the ridiculous suffragette movement of early last century, and said that the States would be in better shape if women didn't have the right to vote. Big deal. Coulter herself is one HELL of a lot smarter than any normal woman. In fact, I have a private theory regarding her gender...



So, why am I currently ashamed to be a Canadian?


BECAUSE WE KICKED HER OUT OF OUR CAPITAL!


Can you believe it??? Lovely Ann came to speak at the University of Ottawa, and thousands of very vocal (and rabid) protesters convinced her bodyguards that it would be a better idea for her to just go away.


"What about free speech?", screamed Annie and the literally tens of Canadians who support her views.


Does the fact that Ann said the US military should forcibly convert all Muslims into Christianity, or that all Jews ought to "perfect themselves" by converting to Christianity, mean she should "shut up"?


There's a man outside my apartment building who constantly shouts "Keep them filthy n*ggers off our f*cking streets!" Is there some reason HE shouldn't be paid thousands of dollars to express his views at a university??? If not, why the double standard?


You see my point?


Neo-Nazis and organisations of adults who desire sex with children aren't the ONLY people allowed to use free speech arguments, you know. Extremist Christian conservatives can too, if we want.


The anti-speech left up here would probably love to bar all of the above from recruiting Canada's young people. "The true North, strong and free!" says our anthem. Right, "free." Not if you hate non-Christians, rape minors, or hate non-Christians...


A few days prior to the Ottawa event, in London, Ontario, some idiot Muslim girl whined at Ann during the question period, (paraphrased) "Boo hoo. Ms. Coulter, you said Muslims shouldn't be allowed on airplanes - that we should have to use our flying carpets instead. Well, I don't have a flying carpet."


Ann, always quick with a reply, came back with, "Then take a camel".


Not only is that funny, it shut the seventeen year old student up in a hurry. It's a shame and a national embarrassment that Ottawa's citizens weren't as easily brought into line.



Even without makeup, Ann is a DOLL!!!


At least most liberals will admit that the woman is beautiful. Ann is very, very slender, her hair is yellow-coloured, and she has the neck of a beautiful and majestic giraffe eating a succulent melon in a single, Christian swallow.


What more than beauty do you expect, or need, from an outspoken female republican?

Larry King Jumps the Shark: Has Health Care Debate With Stephen Baldwin

Published by Harmon on March 24th, 2010 in POLITICS

 CNN is a pimp slapped whore.

In order to focus on the red hot health care bill being passed, Larry King took the opportunity to strike up a debate with actor Stephen Baldwin. That’s right, Larry King actually spent a portion of his show engaging in a health care debate with the least talented, born-again Christian, Baldwin brother. While the health care bill is making headlines, Larry King couldn’t even get Alec Baldwin to engage in a practical discourse of ideas–instead he got the star of Bio Dome.

Example of Stephen Baldwin negative stance in the Obama health care debate:

“Where’s the hope Larry? Where’s the change?”

I think comedian Aisha Tyler was also involved in the health care debate. Baldwin went on to call Vice President Biden a “potty mouth”. When it comes to one of the key political issues in the last 50 years, I always need to hear actors chime in on their opinions. Yes, Larry King, you have truly jumped the shark.