INFILTRATION

I Infiltrate The World of Creepy Children’s Birthday Party Clowns

Published by Harmon on February 9th, 2010 in INFILTRATION

 “Coulrophobia” is fear of clowns. Clowns scared me as a kid, watching in horror as dozens scampered from a very tiny car, hitting each other in the face with a board. Why the hitting? Why?! Make it stop! Why?!!?

I still find clowns, and children’s party entertainers in general, just plain creepy. Maybe it’s the horror of a lurking stranger behind makeup and a fixed smile, maybe it’s the disturbingly floppy shoes. Why do clowns inspire such awe, and such fear?

Creepy clowns have even been popping up in the media lately; there’s seems to be a whole new trend of creepy clown ads.

From WalMart:

To UPS:

I need to find out  firsthand why people think clowns are so creepy! Immediately! Yes, I shall become a children’s birthday party clown and hit the circuit!

Like a burning bush sent from heaven bearing a comically oversized red nose, I come across this ad in the Bay Guardian:

Earn $100-$200 a weekend entertaining at children’s parties as characters or clowns. Call Josh.

Fumbling for the phone, I call the listed number. “Can I speak to Josh”

“Hold on, he’s got on big floppy shoes and a red nose and just walked in,” spouts a mean-sounding man. Presumably he gives me these details to confirm that I will be talking with an actual clown.

I give Josh a few phony clown credentials, and he grants me a prized interview in San Leandro — a godawful industrial suburb right by Oakland Airport to be a birthday party clown.

Find out what happens when I infiltrate the world of children’s birthday party clowns and go out on the circuit by following the link to Zug.com

 

Westboro Baptist Church Pickets Twitter: What’s It Like In Their Hateful Shoes?

Published by Harmon on February 1st, 2010 in INFILTRATION

 Last week I was on the front lines as the crazy religious/cult members of  the Westboro Baptist Church  instigated a picket outside the San Francisco offices of social media giant,  Twitter. (God Hates Twitter!)

 

 

 

a10In turn SF’s finest and funniest came out in force to mount a counter-protest that had all the kooky fun of a Burning Man party–complete with boomboxes blaring Lady Gaga–as they muffled out WBC’s God Hates Fags’ message.  

I captured all the glory action, in all its  photo splendor–as the freaky people tried to freak out the freaky people. (Click here for the Twitter protest photo story @ Asylum.)

It was purely beautiful to see the humor of “doomed” San Francisco out trumping the asinine message of hate WBC tried to serve up on a bible-thumping  platter. 

Surrounded by a police escort, WBC went back to their home base in Topeka Kansas with their Satanic tails firmly between their hoofed-foot legs. 

This wasn’t the first time I’ve encountered the WBC. I actually spent several days with them at their Topeka home-compound for my book, The American Dream. I wanted to find out firsthand what the American Dream  meant to a religious cult  that basically hates everyone.

I can safely say it’s much more pleasant to be on the San Francisco-side of things at the Twitter protest, than in the floppy clown shoes of the WBC .

Here’s how I felt to be in the shoes of WBC at one of their 3 daily pickets in Topeka Kansas:

 

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5 Tips On Infiltrating The National Tea Party Convention 2/4-2/6

Published by Harmon on January 27th, 2010 in INFILTRATION

 The National Tea Party Convention is taking place February 4th- 6th at theOpryland Hotel in Nashville.

Man, I’d give my whole entire collection of Obama=Hitler signs to infiltrate this event.

 

Not only would I get to rub elbows with some of America’s finest, but the event also totes such speakers as crazy ladies Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin.

Imagine such enlightening speaker topics as:

-Correlations between the current Administration and Marxist Dictators of Latin America!

-Why Christians Must Engage!

-How to Involve the Youth in the Conservative Movement!

I’m sure there will also be much, much talk about Obama’s death panels. Making this more of a Holy-Grail-of-infiltrations: The National Tea Party Convention is closed to the press! Yes, the Tea Party Patriots don’t want any stupid press writing down the words of Sarah Palin and making her look stupid by printing what she says verbatim. All this press-closure does is wave a carrot in front of my nose to crash their Tea Party doors.

So, if there’s an eccentric millionaire out there who wants to help me infiltrate this blessed event don’t be shy to contact me. Otherwise, here’re are some tips on how you can infiltrate the National Tea Party Convention:

INFILTRATION TIP #1: Find a local chapter of the Tea Party Patriots. Email to say you’re interested in joining. Get a few emails going back-and-forth.(Easy to do because most of the leaders are old people with way too much free time on their hands.)  Bring up the topic of the National Tea Party  Convention and mention you have an interest in attending. Register for the event with their stamp of approval. Enjoy the convention!

INFILTRATION TIP #2: Find a few names of Tea Party leaders who are attending the event through their individual websites. Get to the convention early and check-in under their names. Those of you in San Francisco can obtain fake ID’s on Mission Street. Enjoy the convention!

INFILTRATION TIP 3: See if there’s anyway to become a volunteer at the convention. A lot of these events  run on volunteers. Enjoy the convention!

INFILTRATION TIP #4: Book a room at the Opryland Hotel. Arrive a day early. Note where all employee entrances and exits to various conference rooms. Dress in the employee uniform with a change of clothes underneath. Enjoy the convention!

INFILTRATION TIP #5: Try to snap a photo of an attendee’s convention badge. Create a reproduction in Photoshop and laminate the fake badge at Kinko’s. Enjoy the convention!


In The Shadow of the Palins: I Infiltrate A Teen Abstinence Educators Conference

Published by Harmon on January 25th, 2010 in INFILTRATION

Sarah and baby-mama daughter, Bristol, or at it again, spreading the merits of their favorite method of birth control: teen abstinence.

Though abstinence has been preached for thousands of years, the Palins , thank God, have finally gotten it right. As seen on theOprah show last week, their goal is to bring the message to the classrooms and convince teens that condoms are ineffective and that the only safe form of sex occurs within marriage.

They did it! Problem solved! Disregarding thousands of years of human nature, they know that the way to stop teen pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases is for teens simply not have sex. It’s just that easy. Sign me up.

No, literally.

That’s right, in order to get in the mindset of the Palins,  I infiltrated  a three-day conference sponsored by the group Life Choices. (Get it? They’re cleverly one-upping “pro-choice.”) There, I was trained as a teen abstinence educator, and learned the ins and outs of what’s needed to teach kids in public schools not to have sex.

What’s really being taught to kids when it comes to teen abstinence programs? Do their workshops really teach practical, realistic information to squash the sexual urges of horny teenagers?  Are complaints valid that they give erroneous information about health, sexuality, gender roles, contraception, and the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases—that they’re full of medical and scientific inaccuracies, all under the guise of education?

That what I wanted to find out firsthand.

Read on…….

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I infiltrate Spike TV's 1000 Ways To Die While Posing As A Crossdresser

Published by Harmon on January 11th, 2010 in INFILTRATION

Spike TV's 1000 Ways To Die is a show that focuses on various unusual/bizarre/stupid ways people have died.

For a segment called Suck Her Punch, the producers of a show put an ad onCraigslist with the header: TV Show Needs Crossdresser.Of course I answered the ad swearing I was an expert at all things crossdressing.

 

I was told to answer a series of email questions such as:

A) What is it about cross dressing that you like?  How and why did you start?

B)  Is it a falsehood to think that men who cross dress are more feminine?

Going by the crossdressing moniker, KiKI--a former marine and works construction by day, I then sent in a photo I found through a Google image search utilizing the words "cross" and "dressing".  It worked: Low-and-behold, I was booked on Spike TV's 1000 Ways To Die in order to give my expert testimony on what it's like to be a man who dresses as a woman.

Borrowing a dress from my friend Ali and then stopping at Walgreen's minutes before the shoot to purchase some random makeup, I threw a bunch of accessories together in order to create the world's ugliest looking crossdresser.

At the production studio in Burbank I couldn't believe not a single member of the production team stopped me and said, "Come on! Are you for real!?"

Basically, my crossdressing Frankenstein concoction looked like she just spent a night with the Hell's Angels. (Also, my purple dress wouldn't zip all the way in back.) $300 I was paid for my performance.

What follows is KiKI-the crossdresser giving her expert opinion on the subject. Do you find KiKi hot? Freedom Haters wants to know!


Pulling Pranks With OJ Simpson

Published by Harmon on November 11th, 2009 in tv show, INFILTRATION

The question is: what wont I do for money? 

Well I guess the answer to that question wouldn't be co-starring with OJ Simpson in a zany hidden camera show. Yes, there was actually a show where people are pranked and then OJ Simpson pops out and goes "You've been Juice'd!" Shortly before OJ Simpson went to prison he filmed a straight to DVD hidden camera prank show. Through a Craigslist ad I got hired to be his funny little sidekick. What followed could best be described as a comedy train wreck being the simple formula was not followed: no one is going to laugh at pranks pulled by a man who they believe murdered two people. 

 

Freedom Haters found this video on You Tube for your enjoyment:

Compare the above video with the one below and let Freedom Haters know which one you think is funnier. 

 

Westboro Baptist Church Pickets Obama Girls And Blue Collar Comedy Tour’s Ron White

Published by Harmon on November 9th, 2009 in conservatives, AMERICAN DREAM, INFILTRATION

The infamous Westboro Baptist Church is at it again with another one of their asinine protests.

The Kansas-based group—founded by Fred Phelps—believes that all our country’s problems occur due to our acceptance of homosexuals. Usually they target military funerals with their cruel protests. This time they are going after Obama. With their subtlety-named picket group, God Hates Fags, they staged a protest this morning outside of Sidwell Friends—the school attended by Sasha and Malia Obama.

But the Westboro Baptist Church doesn’t always target world leaders or mourning families of fallen soldiers. No. A few months back I spent three days with Shirley Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church as part of my book, The American Dream. Yes, three glorious days with one of America’s most notorious families as they attempted to spread their message right in their hometown of Topeka Kansas—to less loftier targets. How does it feel to be on their shoes during of one of their protests? Does it actually make an impact or are they simply looked at as kitschy absurdist street theater with a hate message.

Here’s how it all went down:

 

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Craziest Berlin Wall Escape Stories

Published by Harmon on November 9th, 2009 in INFILTRATION

Today marks the 20th anniversary of the collapse of the Berlin Wall. 

Yes, it was 20 years ago that David Hasselhoff toppled the Berlin Wall and sang his popular German hit, “Looking For Freedom.” Then (as history goes) Hasselhoff uttered those immortal words: “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” (Or something like that.)

 

During it’s reign of terror 134 people were killed trying to get over (and under) the Berlin Wall into West Germany as guards were given shooting order for those attempting to escape. (The last person to be shot while trying to cross the border was Chris Gueffroy on February 6, 1989.) Like something straight out of a James Bond movie, here are a few daring escape attempts made during the height of the Berlin Wall:


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I Get A Job At A Haunted House

Published by Harmon on October 29th, 2009 in INFILTRATION, IRONY

It's Halloween. BOO!

Sorry to scare you like that, but it's for good reason. I'm going to get a job as an actor portraying a monster in a haunted house. As with all my infiltration assignments, my mission is to report on what my experience is like -- but this time, I will also test the various levels of "scary" on my unwitting customers.

My journey begins when I come across an ad on Craigslist, trumpeting the need for haunted house workers in Marin, GA. My future in the haunted house industry looks very promising. WOOOOOOOOOO!

 

MY HAUNTED INTERVIEW ... OF TERROR!

The head of the haunted house tells me over the phone that they'll be hiring people right there, on the spot. Thus, a little preparation for my haunted house interview:

PREPARATION:

- 1 Black Cape

- 1 Pair of Fangs

- 1 Scary Attitude

- 1 Pseudonym (Franklin Stein)

How can they deny hiring a guy adorned in fangs and a cape, with haunted house vocational aspirations?! With costume in place, I head towards the Marin shopping mall, the sight of Scary University (name changed to protect the scary innocent). WOOOOOOOOOO!


My fangs are too big for my mouth; they take up the entire circumference, sadly sticking half in, half out. It makes anything I say sound like intense mumbling.

A huge white tent is in the middle of the mall parking lot, as a group of people hammer various scary items into place. I approach, raising my cape in the air, Dracula-style.

"I'm here for the haunted house interview!" (They hear, "Rmmm rmm rmm rmm.")

"What?" says a large man with his belly hanging out the bottom of his shirt (I assume he is the leader).

"The haunted house interview!" ("Rmm rmm rmm!")

"You must be here for the haunted house interview," concludes the large man (he is the leader). "OK, you can take those fangs out now!" he adds without a smile.

"OK." ("Rmmmm.")

 

Find out the rest of my haunted house infiltration, which includes my own patented method of being "scary," by following the jump to Zug.com

Bodyslamming for Jesus: Inside the Christian Wrestling Federation

Published by Harmon on October 23rd, 2009 in conservatives, INFILTRATION

"LET'S MAKE SOME NOISE!" shouts Dr. Shock as the crowd goes wild. "This is going to be the Ultimate Rumble. The only way to get disqualified is going over the ropes, or like me, being thrown over onto the hard concrete floor!"

In Winterville Georgia, packed into the Harvest Church gym, hundreds of rabid Christian wrestling fans sit ringside on folding chairs.

 

They go apeshit, with blood-thirsty anticipation waiting for the heel and the face to bodyslam for Jesus and save their souls.

Follow the jump for the full scoop on the Christian Wrestling Federation: 

 

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