CONSPIRACY

There's a Chupa Born Every Minute


"Chupa" means "suck" or "sucks" in Spanish. That's how the pictured lollipops got their undeniably goofy name. It's also the etymological root of the word chupacabra - the "goat sucker" monster.


And by "goat sucker", I'm NOT talking about Puerto Rican entertainer Maria Valdez's stage name. Calm down. The part of the goat (and other animals) that gets sucked is its blood.


Beginning in the mid-1990s, supposedly mysterious animal victims have been found in Florida, Mexico, and several South and Central American countries. Dracula-style puncture wounds are found in the neck, and the animal is drained of blood.


Chupacabras are invariably described as hairy (or hairless), large (and, more often, small/medium-sized), canine-like (also feline-like, and sometimes ape-like), and by some accounts, "not like anything on Earth". Some folks hold them to be demons, others consider them alien beings. For the most part, however, chupacabra buffs (or "chuffs", as I've suddenly decided to derogatorily call them) believe their childish fantasies to be ordinary - but thus far unknown to science - animals. This places the goat sucker in the same category as bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster; in the field of "cryptozoology". "Zoology" is the study of animals, while "crypto", in this instance, means "make believe".


Recently, people have begun shooting hairless canines and calling them chupacabras. Only a few days ago, a man in Texas killed one of these small, emaciated dogs.



The Dreaded Chupacabra Monster, Mimicking a Dead Dog


So, how are these animals dying, and being drained of blood, if not by the teeth and sucking ability of mysterious and/or supernatural creatures? Some skeptics have suggested that there may be other, well-known/real carnivorous animals in the Americas. These nay-sayers believe the culprits could be any number of natural predators, including twisted/practical-joking humans. Most animal predators attack the neck of their prey. Obviously, a lot of insects indigenous to the chupacabra's sucking grounds consume blood to survive. Given a day or two, a few thousand of them would have no trouble emptying a goat.


Most chupcabra pics I've seen don't present the sort of beast I can imagine "sucking" anything. The dog pictured above, for example. Could it actually pucker its lips, prior to being shot and killed? Have these dog hunters ever found evidence of drinking straws near the kill sites?


Alright. Now for the "just in case" segment of my article. The recently-shot and killed animal in Texas has been taken away for lab study. DNA results are not yet available. So, here you go: Maybe it IS a previously uncatalogued subspecies of coyote or something. Big deal. It's still a stupid name, you chuffs...

...And I Feel Fine


 


Is the end of the world nigh, and if so, what the hell does "nigh" mean?


Okay, I looked it up. "Nigh" means "near". But how near, and why?


Most recently, 2012 has become a popular year for people to imagine the world will end. Why? Short answer: Because people are very fucking stupid. A more lengthy explanation would include discussion of the Mayan civilization, and how their calendar ended in the year 2112. That's still a long wait, so some writers decided to bump it up a century, assuming the average movie-goer/new age mushbrain wouldn't look it up, or indeed formulate an independent thought on the matter. A safe bet.


Incidentally, Mayan civilization (what the Mayan people would have considered 'The World") ended a few centuries ago, so they were, themselves, over-shooting the date. Why, you might wonder, would anyone assume this extinct load of human sacrifice enthusiasts had mystical knowledge in the first place? I've done some research, and come up with the only reasonable answer. It is, once again, because people are very fucking stupid.



The old JW tagline, recently replaced with "Hey, at least we're not Scientologists!"


The funniest apocalypse groupies have got to be, hands down, the Jehovah's Witnesses. Initially, they were certain the big world-ending, on-Earth, God vs. Satan slugfest was to take place in the year 1914. Many of them gave away all of their possessions in that year, then basically stood around, looking ridiculous and occasionally glancing upwards.


So what did they do next? Change their names, move to another state, and immediately convert to a less embarassing religion? Nope! They simply changed the date of doom. Next up, it was 1925. Same deal. Witnesses gave away their crap, then wandered around like a collection of confused cattle. Then what? Well, they picked 1975. No monsters spitting fire? Let's try 2000. Still nothing...? Crud.


As far as I know, they've finally taken to just saying "any day now", rather than setting a specific date. I think the Witness who thought of that should receive a nice, fat bonus.


When I was a kid, most doomsday advocates concentrated on the potential nuclear destruction of our planet. These days, super-powered magical beings are all the rage. Some say gods and devils will be responsible, others point their fingers at evil space aliens.


Me? I think we'll do it to ourselves, but we probably have at least a century of destructive, short-sighted living left to play make believe.



Good Riddance

John Stamos Arrested in Times Square Bomb Attempt

John Stamos, the former star of the TV show Full House was charged Tuesday with terrorism and attempting to use a weapon of mass destruction in the botched Times Square bombing. The government said he confessed to receiving explosives training from Uncle Joey.

What went wrong Stamos, what went wrong?

The Hutaree Michigan Militia, Lone Wolves, and Alex Jones’ New World Order

 Fantastic! Yet another anti-government militia group that posted its military exercises on the Internet and allegedly plotted to kill police officers were indicted on Monday on conspiracy and weapons charges. What makes theHutaree so unique: they are a Christian-based militia group driven by biblical teachings to take up arms.

Apparently their Jesus is also heavily armed.

As the Michigan-based militia group’s exciting web site states: “We believe that one day, as prophecy says, there will be an Antichrist,” the site says. “All Christians must know this and prepare, just as Christ commanded. . . . Jesus wanted us to be ready to defend ourselves using the sword and stay alive using equipment.”

But what really stands out is the Hutaree: they are yet another  anti-goverment extremists who fear the New World Order as often stressed on #1 conspiracy nut Alex Jones’ website/radio show.  Just like Jones’ philosophy, the militia group felt a need to stockpile weapons  in fear that the government will take away their guns. (Well, in this case they did take away their guns in fear of domestic terrorism.)

The Southern Poverty Law Center, in its recent report, has noted an “explosion of new extremist groups and activism” fueled by “broad-based populist anger at political, demographic and economic changes in America.” SLP defines such groups as those that “engage in groundless conspiracy theorizing, or advocate or adhere to extreme anti-government doctrines.”

Strange how that sounds vaguely like the rantings of  the paranoid, conspiracy theorist, talk show host, Alex Jones. This isn’t the only time  in recent memory that a lone wolf, with strong anti-goverment feelings, has acted at. Last month embittered pilot Joseph Andrew Stack flew his plane into the side of the IRS building in Austin Texas. His rambling manifesto sounded like a puffy-faced Alex Jones broadcast. Then there was also the shooting in Pittsburg of a rabid Alex Jones fan who was afraid that the government was going to take away his guns. And let’s not forget the Holocaust Museum shooting by a rifle-wielding white supremacist

Sure, Alex Jones wouldn’t condone these acts of violence,  but  does his role of being the voice of the lone wolf voiceless add fuel to the fire? Does it also help when Sarah Palin tells a crowd of angry Tea Party Patriots that they must “reload” when bricks are being thrown through the windows of Democratic party headquarters?

When you think of the Hutaree and the the sweeping conservative right’s anger over such things as the  health care bill and the Obama White House, think of the rhetoric of Alex Jones and how it influences all those lone wolves. And remember the words of beloved Sarah Palin:

“The crossfire is intense, so penetrate through enemy territory by bombing through the press, and use your strong weapons — your Big Guns — to drive to the hole. Shoot with accuracy; aim high and remember it takes blood, sweat and tears to win.

 

Corey Haim Found Dead in Home of Pope's Massage Therapist

From teen superstar, to whatever this is a picture of, to Catholicism's #1 sexual plaything - what went wrong?


Some say it was the drugs, others blame the bittersweet, first-name sharing, friendship/rivalry with Corey Feldman, but one thing is for sure: Vatican (unlicenced) massage therapist, Luigi "Fingers" Rotini, was the last man too see, and rub, Haim alive.


Haim had been rooming with the Pope (or Ben-dog, as he playfully referred to himself when with Corey) for several weeks, and while the Italian media didn't entirely ignore the relationship, they probably could, and should, have dug deeper.


Rotini, stopped by reporters on his way to Vatican Prison (or "Freedom"), had this to say (in a cartoonish Italian accent): "I give-a him massage, he ask-a me to "finish him off", I not understand. What is-a the big deal? He was no Mel Gibson..."


Father Giorgio "Mafia" Antipasto, a regular customer of "Fingers" Rotini, defended both his masseur and his boss. "You leave "Fingers" and "Legs" alone, or I break yours, capice?" warned the linebacker-sized Priest, "Rotini ain't used to that "finish me off" crap. Most of us just say somethin' like "Gimme an Alterboy Special", y'know what I'm sayin'? Simple. Straightforward. No room for misintoipretation, see...?"



"Legs" Benedict


We reached a tearful Corey Feldman at his home, also at the Vatican.


FH: Mr. Feldman, I'm sorry for your loss.


CF: Emptiness. There's nothing left. It's all over...


FH: Tell us about your relationship with Corey Haim. You first worked together on the film "The Breakfast Club". What was that like?


CF: No man. Neither of us were in that. We met on the set of -


FH: Right! It WAS "Sixteen Candles". Sorry about that. When did your infamous rivalry begin? Was it during the filming of "Candles"?


CF: It was "The Lost Boys". You're thinking of Anthony Michael Hall, not Corey Haim.


FH: Actually, I might have been thinking about Molly Ringwald. Is she dead?


CF: I don't know.


FH: Well, Thanks very much for your time, Mr. Feldman. I know this hasn't been easy. I'm sure I'm speaking for all of my readers when I say we'll never forget you in "Teen Wolf".


CF: How did you get this number?



A Pensive Corey Feldman on the Set of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"


 

Death Sentence For Dating Game Serial Killer

 


alcala3Rodney James Alcala was on the Dating Game in the 1970’s. On the show he referred to himself as “The Banana.” (He insisted that the bachelorette should try and peel him.) Alcala also murdered 5 people in the `70’s.

Coincidence or something more?

Yesterday, a California jury recommended the death penalty for the 66-year old man who once appeared on the Dating Game. Did the Dating Game, with it’s cheesy Three’s Company sexual double entendres, drive this man to murder?

Though far from the dreamiest of serial killers (Ted Bundy was a medical student after all), Alcala did manage to win the heart of the bachelorette on that infamous day in Dating Game history.

You can read the full story at Huffington Post.

 

 

In the meantime, here’s the Alcala’s greatest hits from that infamous day on the Dating Game:

 

Caught on Tape: Berlin Poker Tournament Armed Robbery

This story has it all: money, action, foreign intrigue, etc.

On Saturday, six men armed with assault rifles and machetes stormed the European Poker Tour (EPT) in Berlin and made off with the $1.2 million tournament prize money. Who orchestrated this: the screenwriters of the Bourne Supremacy?

As a frequent correspondent of the poker tour, I can’t believe this heist took place in broad daylight in the heart of Berlin. Is German casino security on par with that of a KFC rent-a-cop? The robbers got away unscathed and no serious injuries were reported. Tournament play resumed mere hours after the attack. Yes, armed robberies come-and-go but poker must live on! All I can say is, why don’t I get the exciting tournaments to report on?

You Tube let us experience the mayhem mere minutes after the incident:

 

Vatican Gone Wild: Gay Sex Scandal Rocks Pope’s Residence

 Holy Pope!

Who would have figured that gay male prostitutes would being procured for members inside Pope Benedict’s inner circles? Shocker that Catholic priests are involved in yet another sex scandal–this time at the highest level.  Italian newspapers published transcripts of phone calls recorded by police involving  Angelo Balducci, a Gentleman of His Holiness,  who was caught-on-tape negotiating with Thomas Chinedu Ehiem, a 29-year-old Nigerian Vatican chorister, about men he wanted brought to him for the sexual purposes of getting down papal-style.

Here’s the going rate for male prostitutes (two black Cuban lads,” a former male model from Naples, and a rugby player from Rome) at the Vatican:

2,000 euros ($2,714) per rent boy.

That’s enough to make any holy man get down and pray! I’ll lose all faith in humanity if its disclosed that the Popemobile was involved in transporting the male prostitutes to the Vatican.

Ironically, the police were tapping the Vatican’s phones as part of surveillance that was being  conducted for an unrelated corruption investigation.

 

LAPD Pulls Robert Kennedy’s Assassination Shirt Display: Apologizes Given To RFK Clan

 What the hell is up with this recent rash of clothing linked to famous murders being displayed?

Yesterday, it was reported that O.J. Simpson’s suit from his infamous murder trial was rejected from being shown at the Smithsonian Institution. Today, the LAPD announced that the regret putting on display the clothing worn by Sen. Robert F. Kennedy when he was assassinated in 1968.  Hmmm? How did they think that would slip under the radar of NOT offending members of the Kennedy family.

As a part of the California Homicide Investigators Association Conference in Las Vegas, the exhibition, “Behind-The-Scenes: The LAPD Homicide Experience,” showcased evidence from notorious cases during the past 100 years, including actress Marilyn Monroe’s death, the Manson family murders and the O.J. Simpson homicides. (What’s up with all this O.J. clothing in the news?) This morbid display also featured Robert Kennedy’s  dress shirt, tie and jacket worn on the day of his assignation–until members of the Kennedy clan complained that they were highly offended.

If you’re planning to attend the event, don’t be dismayed: you’ll still be able to see artifacts from the Bank of America shootout and Onion Field killing. Now it’s on to Chicago and let’s win there.

 

 

Does Austin Plane Crash Pilot’s Rambling Suicide Note Sound Like An Alex Jones Manifesto?

 It’s strange how the rambling suicide note written by Austin Texas plane crash pilot Joseph Andrew Stack sounds vaguely like the rantings of paranoid, conspiracy theorist, talk show host, Alex Jones. Guess what? Stack hated Big Brother and was a fanatic tax hater. When I first hear that someone slammed their plane into the IRS building in Austin and had a ranting manifesto (which was revised 27 times) against the government that was titled, “Well Mr. Big Brother IRS man… take my pound of flesh and sleep well,” I thought surely this must be Alex Jones.

alex-jonesBelow is a few excerpts from Stack’s angry manifesto. Can anyone argue that it doesn’t sound exactly like the ramblings of puffy-faced Alex Jones? Or at least the teachings of Jones, along with the tri-corner hat Tea Party Patriots can be heard echoing in his words. Sure disturbed Stack wasn’t a Tea Party member, but this Lone Wolf acted in the footsteps of their ideology–only in the most extreme manner. We laugh when we see the angry Tea Party Town Hall meetings. The group quickly dismisses the few nuts who carry Obama=Hitler signs as not fair representations of the movement. As Joseph Andrew Stack proved, by slamming his plan into the side of Austin’s IRS building, here’s what happens when the lone nuts act out their frustrations. How many other lone ticking time bombs are out there ready to carry out their anti-goverment stance? There words would make Alex Jones and the Tea Party proud; there actions disgust all.

And now, click on to read excerpts from Alex Jones’s, I mean Joseph Andrew Stack’s rambling manifesto……..

 

-We are further brainwashed to believe that there is freedom in this place, and that we should be ready to lay our lives down for the noble principals represented by its founding fathers.

- The joke we call the American medical system, including the drug and insurance companies, are murdering tens of thousands of people a year and stealing from the corpses and victims they cripple, and this country’s leaders don’t see this as important as bailing out a few of their vile, rich cronies. Yet, the political “representatives” (thieves, liars, and self-serving scumbags is far more accurate) have endless time to sit around for year after year and debate the state of the “terrible health care problem”. It’s clear they see no crisis as long as the dead people don’t get in the way of their corporate profits rolling in.

-I know I’m hardly the first one to decide I have had all I can stand. It has always been a myth that people have stopped dying for their freedom in this country, and it isn’t limited to the blacks, and poor immigrants. I know there have been countless before me and there are sure to be as many after. But I also know that by not adding my body to the count, I insure nothing will change. I choose to not keep looking over my shoulder at “big brother” while he strips my carcass, I choose not to ignore what is going on all around me, I choose not to pretend that business as usual won’t continue; I have just had enough.

-I saw it written once that the definition of insanity is repeating the same process over and over and expecting the outcome to suddenly be different. I am finally ready to stop this insanity. Well, Mr. Big Brother IRS man, let’s try something different; take my pound of flesh and sleep well.