February 2010

Robots Run Amok And Get Humans Drunk At Barbot 2010

Published by Harmon on February 20th, 2010 in AMERICAN DREAM

 This week I attended Barbot 2010 at the DNA Lounge in San Francisco.

For the evening, as a way to promote the upcoming city-wide RoboGames, bipedal hominid bartenders were replaced by mechanized versions that came in many shapes, sizes and designs. And all around us, we witnessed robots and humans working together for a common purpose: to help attendees get drunk.

Inspired by the awesome Vienna-based festival Roboexotica (aka Festival fur Cocktail-Robtik), BarBot was brought to our shores three years ago by David Calkin as a prelude to his expo, RoboGames.

28good-byeBut instead of robots battling it out to the death, their purpose is to pour the perfect cocktail for tech maestros, programmers, cyberpunks and those who just plain love booze.

After all the cocktails are consumed, who will be left standing: man or machine?

It was a delightful, picturesque evening of robotic/booze fun. If you want to check out the full photo story just follow the link toAsylum.



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Does Austin Plane Crash Pilot’s Rambling Suicide Note Sound Like An Alex Jones Manifesto?

Published by Harmon on February 19th, 2010 in CONSPIRACY

 It’s strange how the rambling suicide note written by Austin Texas plane crash pilot Joseph Andrew Stack sounds vaguely like the rantings of paranoid, conspiracy theorist, talk show host, Alex Jones. Guess what? Stack hated Big Brother and was a fanatic tax hater. When I first hear that someone slammed their plane into the IRS building in Austin and had a ranting manifesto (which was revised 27 times) against the government that was titled, “Well Mr. Big Brother IRS man… take my pound of flesh and sleep well,” I thought surely this must be Alex Jones.

alex-jonesBelow is a few excerpts from Stack’s angry manifesto. Can anyone argue that it doesn’t sound exactly like the ramblings of puffy-faced Alex Jones? Or at least the teachings of Jones, along with the tri-corner hat Tea Party Patriots can be heard echoing in his words. Sure disturbed Stack wasn’t a Tea Party member, but this Lone Wolf acted in the footsteps of their ideology–only in the most extreme manner. We laugh when we see the angry Tea Party Town Hall meetings. The group quickly dismisses the few nuts who carry Obama=Hitler signs as not fair representations of the movement. As Joseph Andrew Stack proved, by slamming his plan into the side of Austin’s IRS building, here’s what happens when the lone nuts act out their frustrations. How many other lone ticking time bombs are out there ready to carry out their anti-goverment stance? There words would make Alex Jones and the Tea Party proud; there actions disgust all.

And now, click on to read excerpts from Alex Jones’s, I mean Joseph Andrew Stack’s rambling manifesto……..

 

-We are further brainwashed to believe that there is freedom in this place, and that we should be ready to lay our lives down for the noble principals represented by its founding fathers.

- The joke we call the American medical system, including the drug and insurance companies, are murdering tens of thousands of people a year and stealing from the corpses and victims they cripple, and this country’s leaders don’t see this as important as bailing out a few of their vile, rich cronies. Yet, the political “representatives” (thieves, liars, and self-serving scumbags is far more accurate) have endless time to sit around for year after year and debate the state of the “terrible health care problem”. It’s clear they see no crisis as long as the dead people don’t get in the way of their corporate profits rolling in.

-I know I’m hardly the first one to decide I have had all I can stand. It has always been a myth that people have stopped dying for their freedom in this country, and it isn’t limited to the blacks, and poor immigrants. I know there have been countless before me and there are sure to be as many after. But I also know that by not adding my body to the count, I insure nothing will change. I choose to not keep looking over my shoulder at “big brother” while he strips my carcass, I choose not to ignore what is going on all around me, I choose not to pretend that business as usual won’t continue; I have just had enough.

-I saw it written once that the definition of insanity is repeating the same process over and over and expecting the outcome to suddenly be different. I am finally ready to stop this insanity. Well, Mr. Big Brother IRS man, let’s try something different; take my pound of flesh and sleep well.


 

Woo At The Zoo Animal Sex Talk: Do It Like On The Discovery Channel!

Published by Harmon on February 19th, 2010 in SEX

 A pair of  men are told to stand up. “The two of them together are nowhere near the size of a blue-whale penis,” a grizzly woman says, as impressed “oohs” and “aahs” rumble through the crowd.

“Now we’re going to turn to vaginas,” she exclaims to the group, shifting gears. “Vaginas so large you could lose your entire family in them while driving a Jeep Cherokee.” A large elephant coochie is flashed on screen. (Not wanting to shock, I will instead show this less offensive picture of penguins copulating.)

Those are just a few of the interesting facts I learned at “Woo at the Zoo,” a brunch-time lecture held this past Valentine’s Day at the San Francisco Zoo.While most men were using the day to cozy up to their significant others, I spent mine surrounded by total strangers looking at slides of animals having sex. It doesn’t get any more romantic than that.

IMG_0124That’s right, I spent three hours (you can read the entire story at Asylum) learning such things as how pigs have a corkscrew penis and routinely ejaculate more than a pint of semen? Did you know that jellyfish are into oral sex, opossums have the ability to get pregnant even if they are already pregnant and lemurs like to take part in gangbangs?

Oh yeah, there were visuals as well. Ewwww. Our gracious host even showed us how in inseminate an elephant.

Find out what the most awesome zoo-sanctioned discussion in history was like at Asylum.

 

My Career Is On Fire: Collection of 10 Great Books - $25

Published by Harmon on February 17th, 2010 in IRONY

 

 

 

 

This is really reassuring and life affirming. I came across this ad on Craigslist:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Collection of 10 Great Books

"Doonesbury" by Garry Trudeau 1971 copy, decent condition - slight water damage 
"Ghost Hunting" by Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson (SciFi channel "Ghost Hunters) - good condition 
"Grave's End - A True Ghost Story" by Elaine Mercado, R.N. - good condition 
"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" - The Fab Five - like new condition (hardcover) 
"Iron Chef - The Official Book" - as seen on Food Network - great condition (hardcover) 
"The Infiltrator" by Harmon Leon - like new condition 
"Big Shots - The Men Behind the Booze" by A.J. Baime - good condition 
"365 Cars You Must Drive" - by Matt Stone w/John Matras - like new condition 
"Hawk" by Tony Hawk - great condition (hardcover) 
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents: America (The Book) A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction" - good condition (hardcover) 

Don't like my price? MAKE ME AN OFFER! Must arrange pickup in Tempe - CASH ONLY :) 

 

You might note that sandwiched between The Iron Chef's scribe and Big Shots, is my book, The Infiltrator.That's right, I'm part of this poor Tempe man's attempt to make $25 (or best offer) by selling off his book collection which includes my book that took almost a year to write.

Thankfully it's in like new condition, which means he must have treasured his copy and is only selling it in this bunch in order to make money to buy more crack. Let's only hope my friends, let's only hope. 

My Weekend In Vegas With Hookers For Jesus

Published by Harmon on February 16th, 2010 in TRAVEL

 Last October I spent a weekend with the Christian group, Hookers for Jesus. Led by former call girlAnnie Lobert, Hookers for Jesus is a group of ex-prostitutes who try to get the working girls off the streets of Vegas and into church.

Hookers for Jesus usually targets casinos. They seek out prostitutes and give them gift bags filled with a Bible, girly lotions, and an invitation to church. It was a fascinated/eye-opening experience as I got to see firsthand the complete underbelly of the Los Vegas prostitution culture and how embedded it is in the hotel/casino system.

The complete story is in the new issue of Penthouse but I thought I’d give you a little teaser of Hookers for Jesus and their Las Vegas crusades to save Sin City:

225px-AnniegirltankA drunken bachelorette party passes. One woman sports a paper hat with the word WHORE blazed in marker with an arrow pointing down. Another hat proclaims I SWALLOW.

Annie is suddenly recognized by a clean-cut guy handing out promotional cards for a bar.

“Oh, my God, you’re the Hookers for Jesus girl!” he exclaims. “My wife was in jail and you guys gave her one of your cards. You said you’d pray for her.”

A prostitute who looks like an R. Crumb cartoon walks by and gets the reaction, “That’s old school. She has it all hanging out. She’s 1999.”

“Look at her, she’s totally working it,” Annie says, pointing out a young hooker sitting by the beer-pong tables with two guys—laughing uproariously at everything they say. “She’s green, too. Look how she’s acting.”

Another creature in his natural habitat: “There’s a pimp right there!” Annie exclaims. The shark circles the trick pool with a jacket over his shoulder. Mere moments later, another spotting: “Roxy said that’s a pimp she knows named Marvin.” Annie gestures to a black guy in a white suit and Kangol hat who casually chats to one of his ho’s. It’s beginning to feel like something out of the Book of Revelations. Nearby, more ho-spotting. A hooker flirts with an excited Asian guy on a bar stool. “She’s working it. She’s working that guy.”

“Are you going to move in with a gift bag?”

“If a girl is with a client you don’t want to wreck her game. She’ll just get pissed off and say, ‘Why are you trying to mess up my money?’ ”

“You don’t want to wreck what she’s doing,” Roxy adds. “Maybe she’s got a quota.”

A stunning blonde in a short, tight, purple dress with reddish-brown streaks in her hair struts toward the bar. I can firmly say she’s got all the classic hooker traits. Annie immediately engages her. They connect. They laugh. Hair tips seem to be traded. After a few minutes Annie brings her over. “She’s a police officer in Sweden!”


“I’m here for the body-building convention!” the woman says, still laughing. “In Sweden we arrest the johns to crack down on the demand,” she explains.

After the hooker cop leaves, Annie tells me the Swede had whispered to her: “Come and party with me tonight. I’ll make you smile!”

Read the complete story in the new issue of Penthouse

Valentine's Day A-Cometh

Published by Harmon on February 14th, 2010 in HUMOR

That's right it's Valentine's Day; the celebration of being love or feeling really shitty that you're not in love. In honor of the occasion, the folks at Comedy.com had me put together a little video of the funniest I love yous from comedy history. 

Enjoy! 

 

 

 

The Least Impressive Tech Items At Macworld 2010

Published by Harmon on February 12th, 2010 in INTERNET

 So yesterday I ventured to Macworld 2010 in order to marvel at the latest in futuristic devices that made me feel like Cro-Magnon man dazzled by fire.

This is the show where latest cutting-edge gadgetry is unveiled for the masses. Attending Macworld 2010 like stepping into Futureland at Disney World.

The place was packed — mostly with awkward men who looked like they invented the Internet (with the help of Al Gore, of course). Conversation topics lean toward hard-drive issues and comparisons of gigabyte motherboards.

What I wanted to find was the least impressive booths at the whole affair. To get a booth at MacWorld, companies have to fork over $5K and up — depending on their strategic position on the showroom floor.

policeI wanted explore the underdogs at this big tech expo — those men and women who are following their mad dreams of being the next Steve Wozniak (like the dude pictured here) Of course, their booths were situated in the showroom hinterlands by the emergency exits and restrooms.

Yes,  I wanted to salute the unsung heroes of the Macworld expo!

Here’s a sample (you can read the entire story atAsylum.com):

police2We’re the world interactive police scanner,” says the dude, clad in a law-enforcement uniform and mirrored shades. “You can listen to some 2,300 police transmissions from all over the world — and post messages.”

“Isn’t that illegal?” I ask.

“It’s illegal to communicate with them.”

[Awkward silence.]

“You’ve heard of reality TV?” he says.

“Yes,” I reply.

“Well, this is a reality app.”

[More awkward silence.]

“Police Scanner 2 — we’re the good guys!”

[Pause.]

“Okay,” I say.

See the rest of the underdogs of Macworld 2010 by going toAsylum.com


 

You Got To Be F-ing Joking: No More Free Blankets On American Airlines

Published by Harmon on February 10th, 2010 in IRONY

 If you don’t feel raped enough when airlines make you pay for your checked-in luggage when you fly. This has got to be a serious descent down the customer service food chain.American Airlines is actually going to start charging for pillows and  blankets on their flights. You know, like when you get cold during the flight. What cheap-ass f-ing bastards. It will soon cost $8 for a pillow and blanket on an American Airline flight. Look for the fun beginning May 1st.

How far away are we from airlines charging to use  a seatbelt or use of the oxygen mask during loss of cabin pressure? Is this a cruel joke? Can they make air travel more miserable these days!? Don’t fly American Airlines!

Palin Versus Reagan: More Moronic Republican Women Speak Out

Published by Harmon on February 10th, 2010 in POLITICS

 Can someone explain conservative Pam Geller on the Joy Behar Show?

This is my first outing with Ms. Geller and is she as a loony as she appears to be? Besides entering into a moronic debate with Ron Reagan on whether or not his father, Ronald Reagan, would side with Sarah Palin, watch as she attempts to do schtick over Obama’s use of a teleprompter. Somewhere within the pundit shouting. she tries to riff off a pre-planned joke that the president uses a teleprompter with Michelle. Hilarious!

Watch the video again and listen to Geller’s top-notch comedy writing. Sarah Palin, you certainly have a minion of morons.

 

I Infiltrate The World of Creepy Children’s Birthday Party Clowns

Published by Harmon on February 9th, 2010 in INFILTRATION

 “Coulrophobia” is fear of clowns. Clowns scared me as a kid, watching in horror as dozens scampered from a very tiny car, hitting each other in the face with a board. Why the hitting? Why?! Make it stop! Why?!!?

I still find clowns, and children’s party entertainers in general, just plain creepy. Maybe it’s the horror of a lurking stranger behind makeup and a fixed smile, maybe it’s the disturbingly floppy shoes. Why do clowns inspire such awe, and such fear?

Creepy clowns have even been popping up in the media lately; there’s seems to be a whole new trend of creepy clown ads.

From WalMart:

To UPS:

I need to find out  firsthand why people think clowns are so creepy! Immediately! Yes, I shall become a children’s birthday party clown and hit the circuit!

Like a burning bush sent from heaven bearing a comically oversized red nose, I come across this ad in the Bay Guardian:

Earn $100-$200 a weekend entertaining at children’s parties as characters or clowns. Call Josh.

Fumbling for the phone, I call the listed number. “Can I speak to Josh”

“Hold on, he’s got on big floppy shoes and a red nose and just walked in,” spouts a mean-sounding man. Presumably he gives me these details to confirm that I will be talking with an actual clown.

I give Josh a few phony clown credentials, and he grants me a prized interview in San Leandro — a godawful industrial suburb right by Oakland Airport to be a birthday party clown.

Find out what happens when I infiltrate the world of children’s birthday party clowns and go out on the circuit by following the link to Zug.com

 

Does The Movie Valentine’s Day Make You Want To Vomit?

Published by Harmon on February 9th, 2010 in IRONY

 So we’ve all seen the commercials for Hollywood’s latest blockbuster romantic comedy, Valentine’s Day. It stars the likes of Julia Roberts, Jessica Alba, Ashton Kutcher, and Jennifer Garner; all acting like they can’t get dates for Valentine’s Day.

Intertwining couples and singles in Los Angeles break-up and make-up based on the pressures and expectations of Valentine’s Day.

Funny that these characters can’t get dates; they all look like supermodels. Does the idea of the movie Valentine’s Day make you sick?

Watch my new video and decide:

 
 

Sara Palin: Mad Hatter At Tea Party Convention

Published by Harmon on February 8th, 2010 in POLITICS

 Straight-shooting Sarah Palin is about as contrived and spontaneous as a rocket launch. The crazy lady, who criticized President Obama for using teleprompters, had cheat sheets on the palm of her left hand during her speech at this weekend’s National Tea Party Conventionthat read “Energy,” “Tax,” “Lift American Spirits,” and “Budget Cuts.” The word “Budget” was crossed out.

During the Q & A portion of her appearance, Palin referred to the scribbling on her palm when asked her thoughts on what top three priorities of the Republican Party should be if it wants to recapture a Congress majority.

Tea Party PalinHas Sarah Palin always been writing crib notes on her palm this whole time? I can only imagine what has been scribed on her palm in the past: “Hockey Mom,” “Putin Airspace,” “See Russia Front Yard,” etc…..

I sure she feels that the posting of her palm crib notes across the Internet is yet another hatchet job against little Sarah from Wasilla. The good news for Democrats: she’s not ruling out running for president in 2012!

Cockfighting in the U.S.A: What Defenders Say About It

Published by Harmon on February 5th, 2010 in AMERICAN DREAM

 A while back I filmed a short documentary about cockfighting in Louisiana that took place in the town of St. Martinsville.

Need I say, I took a strong stance against cockfighting.

Sure, what’s there not to hate about two roosters that are bred to fight it out to the death in a ring (cockpit) while men wager on who will be the winner?

The really astonishing thing; when I posted the video on You Tube I got a slew of comments from people who were actually pro-cockfighting. In their idyllic world there would actually be more cockfighting. Quicker than you can say reinstate-Michael-Vick-in-the-NFL, it was pointed out that I was actually the ignorant one.

Here’s a taste of what these proud Americans had to say about my anti-cockfighting video. Some responses are just plain confusing:

0  
nice thing fightin
0  
Guess the HUSU should show up like they did in Tenneesee at a rooster fight and GAS everyone one of the harmless chickens. Gass barrels used to kill them all while they struggle and fight for there life. Rather see them do what comes natural to them and fight to the dealth naturally than PETA and HUSU get involved and kill/torture to dealth everyone with poison gas chambers/barrels. What a sad joke the public is conned into.
+2  
Fucked up? Harmon you know nothing about cockfighting, what are you a tree humper? a vegitarian? suck a fat one you queer!
0  
The Gamecock is a true warrior meant for battle. So all you dog or cat loving french kissing freaks are the ones that need to be checked. Come on think about it, we fight gamecocks because that is exactly what they were put on this earth for. I really don’t think God meant for Humans to french kiss their animals after they’ve licked their asses and genitals clean, but you do it anyways. Now who’s the one that needs help?
0  
Cock fighting still legal in kentucky, catch a good fight this saturday!
+1  
I continue to be amazed at how some ill imformed people think they have a right to restrict peoples use of their animals. The gamecocks intended use for thousands of years is to fight. If you do not agree with it, mind your own buisness. The best people I have ever met were cockfighters.
+1  
long live the gamecock!
+1  
i love this guy
+2  
this video is so true
these roosters live longer than a chicken you get from kfc or popeyes
0  
this film represents american ignorance towards cockfighting
0  
Cockfight trainer? Funny I didn’t know you could train an all with such a small brain to do anything, much less fight.
+2  
if u dont like it why did u go ..and to eat a chicken that only lives less than 6weeks but talk shit bout cockfighting ur a fuckn hipacrit..
0  
he experiences what he wants to write about. it is called investigative journalism.
+2  
hell yea cockfighting rules
 

 

The Super Bowl Shuffle: The Greatest Music Video EVER!

Published by Harmon on February 5th, 2010 in CELEBRITIES

 “We’re so bad, we know we’re good. Blowing your mind like we knew we would!”

220px-Chicago_shuffleIn honor of the Superbowl this Sunday, here’s the greatest music video ever: The Super Bowl Shuffle.

Why don’t more Superbowl teams do this?

“The Super Bowl Shuffle” was a rap song recorded by players of the Chicago Bears footballteam during their winning 1985 season right before  their appearance in Super Bowl XX. Basically, the video features football players with no sense of rhythm or singing ability rapping about, well, football. The Super Bowl Shuffle  featured breakout performances by Jim McMahon and William “The Fridge” Perry.

Here’s the video in all its 7-minutes of glory.

Trivia note: Jim McMahon and The Fridge weren’t at the original taping of the video and were later edited in via chromakey. Why aren’t the New Orleans Saints or the Indianapolis Colts cranking out very low budget music videos? Come’on guys!

 

Joke-e-oke In The News

Published by Harmon on February 5th, 2010 in HUMOR

Joke-e-oke is in the news. Our friend Ali MacLean did a great write up about our show at SF Sketchfest. Ali was one of our Joke-e-oke  finalist at our star-studded show, which featured celebrity comedy judges Paul Provenza, Mark Pitta, Rick Overton. 

The legendary Purple Onion was an awesome venue to perform at. 

 

 

 

 

 

We had a really great crowd, which included comedy legend Robin Williams. 

 

 

 

Check out Ali's complete story here. In the meantime here's a taste of our Joke-e-oke champ Kozumi:

New Video: The Scary Truth about Your Clothes

Published by Harmon on February 4th, 2010 in IRONY

 

Clothes are funny, aren't they? Comedian Lee Camp examines the scary truth about clothes. Be forewarned: this is the scary truth! 

 

 

 

 

New Zealand Teen Offers Her Virginity In Exchange For Collage Tuition: Is It A Wrong Move?

Published by Harmon on February 4th, 2010 in IRONY

 

Last year American student Natalie Dylan, auctioned off her virginity to fund her master's degree.
Last year American student Natalie Dylan, auctioned off her virginity to fund her master's degree.

Here's what the Associated Press had to say about this matter:

 

A New Zealand teenager who says she auctioned her virginity online for $32,000 to raise tuition money did not break any laws but it might be risky for her to follow through on the deal, police warned Wednesday.

You think so, Associated Press? How did you come to the astute conclusion that offering your virginity online to the high bidder might present some problems? You mean, there might be some bad strangers out there in this virginity-for-money exchange?

Known by her user name, Unigirl, the teen (who comes from the country that brought usFlight of the Conchords) got over 1.200 offers from her ad posted on www.ineed.co.nz.

In her ad, (which had no photo) she described herself as fit, attractive, and healthy, while adding, "I have never had a sexual relationship and am still a virgin."

Strange twist to this sordid tale would be if Unigirl wasn't a virgin, college student or even female. Because in this country we simply call what she's doing, prostitution. Maybe in the land of Lord of the Rings they are a little more honest about these things? Or, then again, maybe not. 

 

Scott and Stacey on the BBC!

Published by flojo on February 4th, 2010 in HUMOR

We were on the radio!

OK. So it was Radio Ulster.

But that still counts!

You can listen to the whole show or fast forward to about 1:30 to where we are.

The woman in the group that played after us is our catsitter!

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

 

 

Mr. Picky For Valentine’s Day

Published by Harmon on February 3rd, 2010 in IRONY

With Valentine's Day looming around the corner, I realize I'm one of those picky guys when it comes to women. I have a ridiculous set of standards. It's like I'm  a casting-director who conducts  constant open-auditions for the ideal woman. Seemingly benign nuances can send me sprinting for the exit.  Since society dictates that we can only have one Lone Ranger to our Tonto, the stakes are especially high-and I'm looking for as close to my version of perfection as humanly possible. 

 To give you an idea of exactly how picky I can be, consider five seemingly wonderful women I've been forced-for one random reason or another-to drop like a hot brick:

 

READ MORE >>

Scientologists Go To Save Haiti From the Forces of Xen

Published by Harmon on February 2nd, 2010 in CULTS

The most curious thing about the 50 Scientologists, who wore matching yellow volunteer shirts and were sent to Haiti: what’s their angle? Surely the people of Haiti wont be able to buy their books or sign up for their expensive courses. Was it to create a Scientology strong-hold during the rebuilding of Haiti?

A leaked Scientology email that turned up on Gawker reads:

One big thing that is happening now is Haiti. We’re going there with our Global Pioneers team to deliver seminars to over 1,500 people. We going for 1,500 hours of auditing in one week and hopfeully, that many starts. More incredible news.

What a perfect opportunity for Scientology–they could basically claim Haiti as their own and create a future Scientology island. Take that Pat Robertson; put that in your e-meter and smoke it

So how did it go for the Scientologists once they got to Haiti. According to afirsthand witness:

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They were completely unprepared for going to a third world country, let alone a disaster zone. One girl was in designer cowboy boots. I asked her if she’d brought any sturdier footwear.

“Oh no, these’ll be fine.”

I asked another guy what he’d packed and he said he hadn’t bothered to bring soap or toilet paper or food, but that he’d just “buy whatever I need at Port-au-Prince airport.” I couldn’t break it to him……

They brought the weirdness of touch healing into a very superstitious society. They’d leave the tent and come into the general hospital downtown, and try healing people. One of the doctors and one of the nurses told me that the wounded started coming to them to tell them they didn’t want to be treated by the people in the yellow shirts.