AMERICAN DREAM

How hard is it to get a black market green card in San Francisco?

 


As long as there is a demand to become a working American, there will be those who sell black-market green cards. Issued by the INS, green cards are essential documents needed to verify immigrants as resident aliens with the legal right to work in the United States. With an estimated 11 million illegal immigrants nationwide, a green card is gold for those questing the American Dream–and often unobtainable.

Everyone is entitled to the American Dream. Some wait for years to win the green card lottery. (They make it sound like it’s done with a scratch-and-win card). In order to reap the fruits of prosperity in this land of plenty, I shall try to get a green card by mid-afternoon–no later. How hard can it be?

My quest for the American dream has taken me to the Mission District. On a sunny Saturday afternoon, there’s a myriad of activity with its 99-cent stores, check-cashing places, and plentiful taquerias. I’ve recruited a Mexican friend of mine to help with the translation process, and to give validity to my story of being a Canadian with green card pursuits. A friend of hers just came over from Guadalajara and went right to the Mission to get a new fake green card in order to find temporary work on a fishing boat. He tipped her off that in front of photo and passport stores are the best places to begin the quest. The busy season is late spring and early fall due to the fact that a lot of immigrant work is in agriculture. San Francisco, like most major cities, has a steady demand, being that here the majority of work is mostly in restaurant jobs. Recently, a Las Vegas-based syndicate tried to muscle in on the San Francisco and New York markets, creating the same gang dynamics of the drug trade, only with the fake-green-card industry.

Sauntering down Mission Street, a Latino guy wearing a down jacket and baseball cap stands in front of a clothing store two doors down from the passport-photo place, suspiciously hanging out with a very serious expression on his mug. We glance over, but he doesn’t make eye contact. Not thinking much of it, my friend suddenly hears him say to a passing Latino man, “Micas? Micas?” (Street slang for “green card.”)

Find out how the hurdles I faced in order to obtain a black market green card at SF Gate.

 

My Eyefull of Ink at the Body Art Tattoo Expo

At the Body Art Expo I could have easily been in the event's freak show as, "The Amazing Un-Tattooed Man!" Held at the Cow Palace I sojourned this past weekend. Tattoo artists with names like Bones and Chicken Wing were in the house to etch the epidermises of thousands of attendees. The hum of tattoo guns transfused with the smell of burning flesh -- and attendees ate it up.

 

The expo was essentially a day-long skin show-off party for people who run the gamut; from those seeking arty pin-up girl designs and tramp stamps, to outright gangstas tattoos. The crowd was intertwined with a combination of the curious, hardened tattoo enthusiasts, Hell's Angels, strippers, and first-time inductees.

The common thread between all expo-goers? The love of the tattoo.

The main event of the Body Art Expo was the big tattoo-off; yes a contest to determined who had the greatest tattoo of all time, which was judged by the likes of legend Papa Rick Walters. (MC: "Papa Rick tattooed Jesus Christ.")

The whole concept of the tattoo contest has the making of a great Will Ferrell movie.

 

Scary dudes cme on stage shirtless to show off their chest tattoos Nightmare scenario would be to meet these guys while hearing the phrase, "Welcome to prison!"

 

This guy is the Michael Jordan of tattoos--a past champ numerous times over. Once he went on stage, no other tattoo contestants could really follow him.

"I got my first tattoo at 15. It was done with a needle and a bottle of ink," remarked the human art display. I have 13 tattoos underneath."

He holds up his arm to reveal a lion buried underneath numerous other tattoos while chasing yet another animal.

"What do you feel about your chances of winning tonight?" I asked.

I won many a times," he then boasted with utter confidence.

Now if you're going to be in a tattoo contest in the best leg tattoo category, why not wear shorts? The whole hopping around stage holding half your pants up thing really isn't the most flattering of looks.

A winner in the best chest tattoo category. (Please don't hurt me for taking your photo.)

 

We have a winner. This is my all time favorite tattoo scenario at the entire expo. There's so much imaginable back story to this scenario I don't even know where to begin. Are they best friends? Did they just meet for the first time an hour ago? Is this a pure coincidence? Why the choice of Superman tattoos? Did they lose a bet? My guess is after the expo they are going to go fight crime on the streets of the city of San Francisco.

Do you have favorite or most unfortunate tattoo choice? Let me know and please send photos.

Read my entire Tattoo Expo photo story at Asylum.

Robots Run Amok And Get Humans Drunk At Barbot 2010

 This week I attended Barbot 2010 at the DNA Lounge in San Francisco.

For the evening, as a way to promote the upcoming city-wide RoboGames, bipedal hominid bartenders were replaced by mechanized versions that came in many shapes, sizes and designs. And all around us, we witnessed robots and humans working together for a common purpose: to help attendees get drunk.

Inspired by the awesome Vienna-based festival Roboexotica (aka Festival fur Cocktail-Robtik), BarBot was brought to our shores three years ago by David Calkin as a prelude to his expo, RoboGames.

28good-byeBut instead of robots battling it out to the death, their purpose is to pour the perfect cocktail for tech maestros, programmers, cyberpunks and those who just plain love booze.

After all the cocktails are consumed, who will be left standing: man or machine?

It was a delightful, picturesque evening of robotic/booze fun. If you want to check out the full photo story just follow the link toAsylum.



Cockfighting in the U.S.A: What Defenders Say About It

 A while back I filmed a short documentary about cockfighting in Louisiana that took place in the town of St. Martinsville.

Need I say, I took a strong stance against cockfighting.

Sure, what’s there not to hate about two roosters that are bred to fight it out to the death in a ring (cockpit) while men wager on who will be the winner?

The really astonishing thing; when I posted the video on You Tube I got a slew of comments from people who were actually pro-cockfighting. In their idyllic world there would actually be more cockfighting. Quicker than you can say reinstate-Michael-Vick-in-the-NFL, it was pointed out that I was actually the ignorant one.

Here’s a taste of what these proud Americans had to say about my anti-cockfighting video. Some responses are just plain confusing:

0  
nice thing fightin
0  
Guess the HUSU should show up like they did in Tenneesee at a rooster fight and GAS everyone one of the harmless chickens. Gass barrels used to kill them all while they struggle and fight for there life. Rather see them do what comes natural to them and fight to the dealth naturally than PETA and HUSU get involved and kill/torture to dealth everyone with poison gas chambers/barrels. What a sad joke the public is conned into.
+2  
Fucked up? Harmon you know nothing about cockfighting, what are you a tree humper? a vegitarian? suck a fat one you queer!
0  
The Gamecock is a true warrior meant for battle. So all you dog or cat loving french kissing freaks are the ones that need to be checked. Come on think about it, we fight gamecocks because that is exactly what they were put on this earth for. I really don’t think God meant for Humans to french kiss their animals after they’ve licked their asses and genitals clean, but you do it anyways. Now who’s the one that needs help?
0  
Cock fighting still legal in kentucky, catch a good fight this saturday!
+1  
I continue to be amazed at how some ill imformed people think they have a right to restrict peoples use of their animals. The gamecocks intended use for thousands of years is to fight. If you do not agree with it, mind your own buisness. The best people I have ever met were cockfighters.
+1  
long live the gamecock!
+1  
i love this guy
+2  
this video is so true
these roosters live longer than a chicken you get from kfc or popeyes
0  
this film represents american ignorance towards cockfighting
0  
Cockfight trainer? Funny I didn’t know you could train an all with such a small brain to do anything, much less fight.
+2  
if u dont like it why did u go ..and to eat a chicken that only lives less than 6weeks but talk shit bout cockfighting ur a fuckn hipacrit..
0  
he experiences what he wants to write about. it is called investigative journalism.
+2  
hell yea cockfighting rules
 

 

Here’s Reality: Balloon Boy Dad Sentenced To Jail

 "Go hide in the attic, Falcon! Go hide in the attic!”

I bet Richard Heene is regretting those words now. The infamous balloon boy dad (best suited for douche bag of the year) along with his charming wife Mayumi were sentenced today (90 days for him, 20 days for her). No jail time was given to little Falcon.

The would-be reality TV stars Heenes’ should be estatic. Their 15-minutes of fame has been extended by a combined  110 days.

Watch Richard Heene’s great acting job on the stand. I almost believe that he really feels bad about all that happened:

 

Little word of advice to Richard: next time you pretend your son is trapped in a runaway balloon don’t start Twittering about it.

 

Cop Wins Snowball Fight By Pulling Gun

When having a snowball fight, always remember that gun beats snowball. At least that’s how a Washington off-duty officer won the battle when his Hummer was pelted with a snowballs. The officer got out of his car and started waving his gun around. The astute quote from the officer: “I did it because I got hit with snowballs.”

Hurrah for the wonders of You Tube, allowing any citizen with a cell phone camera to capture this moment of pure stupidity that could’ve ended with someone making snow angels getting a bullet in the head:

 

Death of Print: Top Magazine Closures in 2009

Larado Texas has a big claim. It will soon be the largest city in America without a bookstore. 

Hurrah for illiteracy!  With a population of nearly a quarter of a million people, Laredo’s last holdout for literary culture is a B. Dalton’s which is planned to close next month.

Get this: once B. Dalton’s closes the nearest book store will be 150 miles away in San Antonio. Holy f*ck! It’s so pathetic that schoolchildren even started a writing campaign to B. Dalton’s parent company (Barnes & Noble) to remain open. (But the city does boast an awesome go-cart track.)

The closure is a clear a sign of the dumbing down of America and the slow Bataan Death March of print. Just in 2009 alone, 383 magazines folded within the first nine months of this year.

So as 2009 comes to a close here’s a close here’s a shout-out to some of our dead homies in the print industry that fell by the wayside as sad victims of the publishing crash:

Grab your 40 ounce and give a shout-out to the top magazines who died in 2009:

  • Country Home – 1,200,000 circulation
  • Domino – 1,100,000
  • Nick (Nickelodeon) Magazine – 1,000,000
  • Gourmet – 977,000
  • Hallmark Magazine - 750,000
  • Travel & Leisure Golf - 650,000
  • Time Style & Design – 550,000
  • (tie) Cookie – 500,000
  • (tie) Best Life – 500,000
  • Condé Nast Portfolio – 450,000

To all our dead print homies–we salute you!

What are your thoughts about the death of print media? Will you miss magazines and newspapers? Let us know!

 

Put The ‘Christ’ Back Into Christmas With the CHRIST-Mas Tree

In the war on Christmas one company is taking no prisoners.

Boss Creations of Nashville has devised a Christmas tree with a cross cunningly and subtly  inserted directly in the middle of it. No missing the measure here: this is a symbol of both baby Jesus and nailed-to-the-cross Jesus.

Potential for many jokes here, but why don’t we let the press release from Boss Creations speak for itself:

 

 

NASHVILLE, TN, December 08, 2009 /24-7PressRelease/ — Boss Creations, a new holiday decor company, has introduced the new “CHRIST-mas” Tree, featuring the unique trait of a trunk in the shape of a wooden cross. Company owner Marsha Boggs says the tree was specifically designed to counter the “war on Christmas.”

“When I became a Christian a few years ago,” says Boggs, “I was appalled by the secularization of the Christmas holiday. When retail stores started substituting ‘Happy Holidays’ for ‘Merry Christmas,’ and schools began calling their Christmas programs ‘Winter Plays,’ it all seemed ridiculous to me. That’s why we have created products that remind people what the Christmas season is really all about – the birth of Christ.”

The “CHRIST-mas” Tree is size adjustable up to 7.5 foot tall to accommodate various ceiling sizes. Additionally, the company offers ornaments, wreaths and gift items all with Christian-based themes.

Legal fights over Christmas symbolism continue to create headlines such as a recent ban on religious songs in a New Jersey school district where the federal appeal judges noted “such songs were once common in public schools, but times have changed.” Lawsuits regarding Christmas trees being taken down from public buildings have sparked anger across the country. Boggs says Boss Creations’ mission is to uphold the traditional meaning of the Christmas season, and from their sales, the company will be supporting two non-profits that work as advocates for religious freedom. A portion of the proceeds of all “CHRIST-mas” Tree sales will go to support the American Center of Law & Justice, an organization recently hailed by BusinessWeek as “the leading advocacy group for religious freedom,” as well as to the Liberty Counsel, a nonprofit litigation, education and policy organization dedicated to advancing religious freedom, the sanctity of human life and the traditional family.

I think the CHRIST-mas tree is the Snuggie of 2009 !

 

Neo-Nazi Gets Beauty Makeover For Murder Trial

 

Okay, lets say you are a white supremacist, neo-Nazi on trial for murder. I guess it wouldn’t help matters by having a large 6-inch swastika tattoo on your neck and face. Kinda says “bad dude” right there. 

Fortuna has taken a lucky spin for John Allen Ditullio. On trial in Pasco County Florida for murder and attempted murder, the judge in the case ruled that the state must pay a cosmetologist up to $150 a day to cover up Ditullio’s swastika tattoos. 

Hmm? Maybe this crazy, poster boy for  neo-Nazis should’ve gone for the unicorn tattoo instead? Sounds like Extreme Makeover: The Home Invasion  Edition

If convicted, Ditullio will face the death penalty. 

What do you think? Are tattoos for life or should tax payers fork out for his beauty makeover?

 

Video: The Scary Truth about The Uninvited Party Crashers at The White House State Dinner

 

Can't get enough news about those creepy, rich White House party crashers. (I don't, Tareq Salahi sounds like a Muslim name to me.)

Here's Lee Camp take on the whole brew-ha-ha.